Zombieworld
by Zeplerfer
Summary: In a world overrun by zombies, why is it so hard to find a twinkie? USUK.


_Gift fic for Fire Bear1! You're the best, dear. Thank you so much for all of your extremely helpful reviews. Here, have some zombies and unresolved sexual tension as a thank-you present!  
_

**Rating: **T for gun violence, zombies, and twinkie innuendo.

**Source:** Based on a scene from Zombieland.

* * *

As soon as Elizaveta heard steps approaching – solid human steps, not the shuffling zombie ones – she took her position next to Lili. "Are you ready?" she whispered, giving the girl's shoulder a comforting squeeze.

Lili nodded and carefully clutched her bandaged arm to her chest. She sniffled softly and her eyes filled with tears. She looked young and helpless, the perfect bait for their plan. Liz smiled, proud of her protégé. Even before the zombie apocalypse she had been impressed by Lili's acting skills. Now that they were forced to fend for themselves in a lawless society, Lili had easily fallen into her new role as bait for gullible survivors. Using their wits, they lived off stolen cars and ammo, taking whatever they needed to survive.

"Hey, England! I'm going to check the back for twinkies, okay?" a loud voice called from the other side of the store.

"Fine. See if they have rum!" another man responded. Elizaveta pursed her lips (who on earth was named _England_?), but there was no time for pointless questions. Instead she made sure that she had an anxious frown plastered on her face as she heard the first man approaching. If he was looking for twinkies, he was out of luck. Liz had already scoured the store for food and gathered what remained in a few packs.

"Ah!" the young man cried out, startled by the sight of Liz and Lili huddled together at the rear of the store. Nevertheless, the teenager quickly recovered and smiled at them nervously. "Uh, hello there! I'm not going to hurt you," he added, lifting his hands to show that they were empty. "Are you okay?"

Elizaveta had to resist the urge to smile. Some people were deliciously easy to fool and this young man looked like he fit the bill. Even better, he had a shotgun strapped to his back that she desperately wanted. She covered her mouth with her hand. "It's my sister," she sobbed, pointing to Lili. "She was... bitten."

"Are you sure?" he asked, glancing desperately between the two. He had a stricken look on his face and for once Liz felt a small tinge of guilt. She tamped it down and nodded.

"I'm sure. At least I got the bastard with a frying pan."

"Don't talk about me like I'm not here," Lili protested, throwing in the right amount of bravado for a 12-year-old facing the horrors of zombification.

"I'm sorry, sweetie. You've been so brave," Elizaveta said as she rested her hand on Lili's shoulder. She didn't need to fake the warmth and pride in her voice. She turned to face the American teenager. "Can you help us?" she asked. "We've already said goodbye, but we didn't have a gun."

"A gun, why would you need..." his face twisted in horror and he took a step back, violently shaking his head.

"I don't want to be a monster," Lili said, her voice quivering in a heart-breaking manner. If there were still Emmys in the world, Lili deserved all of them. Elizaveta had to cover her mouth to hide her smug smile of approval.

"America! Are you done looking for the bloody twinkies?" a voice called from within the store. It grew louder as the man approached. "I've checked the liquor aisle and... who are _they_?" he asked, immediately raising his handgun and glaring at the two young women suspiciously. The new arrival was a little shorter, a little older, and much smarter than his companion. Elizaveta realized that her plan had become much more difficult than she originally intended.

Making a disapproving noise, 'America' stepped over and pushed down the gun so that it was pointing at the ground. "Geez, England. Stop that. They're sisters. The little one's been bit," he explained, adding the final part in a whisper.

'England' immediately lifted the gun again, pointing it directly at Lili. "Well, there's only one thing to do for her now."

"Whoa, you can't just shoot her!" America shouted, grabbing the gun out of England's hands. He glared at the other man and stepped between him and the girl.

"Shooting her is a kindness. Now give me back my gun."

"No, I'm not going to let you _murder_ her in front of her sister."

"America, do you remember Rule One? It was my only rule, and you keep breaking it!"

Seeing her chance, Elizaveta nodded at Lili and quickly stepped behind the American teenager while he and the other man argued loudly. Judging by the number of flying insults, arguing was their favorite activity. Liz slipped forward unnoticed and pressed her pistol against the American's back. She felt him tense. "Don't move," she commanded, "or the boy toy gets it."

"I'm not a boy toy!" the teenager protested. "We're not a couple!"

"Is that honestly your biggest concern right now?" she retorted, pushing the gun into his back.

"You're not in a position to be making demands," England replied with a smirk on his face. Elizaveta frowned. The American was partially blocking her field of view, leaving her unable to gauge the threat posed by the other man.

"He's pointing another gun at me," Lili whispered, genuine fear in her voice.

"I could kill your sister. And I'd be doing the world a favor."

"Well, I could kill your boy toy," Liz hissed.

"I'm not a boy toy!"

"Shall we see who pulls the trigger faster?" England asked.

Elizaveta glared, but she could see that they were at an impasse. This was why she hated the smart ones. She should have realized that he might have _two_ guns. Still, as long as they were going to be standing around pointing guns at each other, she felt like she might as well get some of her questions answered. "Why did you call him 'England'?"

"Because he's British."

"English," came the crisp correction.

"Whatever, dude."

That didn't make any sense, so Liz pressed on. "Doesn't he have a name?" she asked.

America jerked his head towards England. "It was his idea not to use our real names. You know, as a way to keep things impersonal in case either of us gets bit."

Elizaveta smirked. As a superb actress, she was very good at reading expressions and she could see that England cared more for his companion than he was willing to admit. "So, 'England,' how's the name thing working for you?" she teased.

He glared. "It's working just fine."

They stared at each other in sullen silence as Elizaveta tried to work out a way to end the impasse without risking Lili's life. She could see that England was making the same calculations. The fierce protectiveness in his eyes would have been sweet if it wasn't ruining Liz's plan.

"Do you hear that?" Lili whispered, a real tremble of fear in her voice. Liz listened and a chill went up her spine as she heard the sounds of dragging footsteps entering the store. Their loud argument had drawn attention.

"Zombie truce," Liz offered as the steps grew closer.

England scowled and shook his head. He kept his gun pointed at the young girl. "I'm not falling for your tricks, those are probably just more of your marauding band of fraudsters."

"It's not a trick! You're in my line of fire!" Liz shouted.

"Watch out!" America yelled as the first zombie burst into the backroom. Ignoring the gun pressed against his back, he leapt forward and pulled England to the ground.

Above their heads, Liz fired her pistol at the zombie, knocking the undead creature back into the crowd of its fellow zombies. Lili grabbed her own scope rifle from its hiding place. She carefully aimed and took down two zombies with one shot. Taking advantage of the break in fire, England and America scrambled away from the doorway. Once they reached the safety of the center of the room, England whirled around and fired at the next zombie, giving America time to pull the shotgun off of his back. He began pelting the zombies with scattershot, knocking the whole group back. By unspoken agreement, the four humans formed a firing line facing the doorway. They shot until the last of the zombies was dead and all of the bodies had stopped twitching on the blood-soaked floor.

"Is that all of them?" America asked, keeping his shotgun aimed at the doorway. They waited a few minutes, then relaxed as silence filled the abandoned grocery store. "You're a real good shot," he complimented Lili.

She smiled. "Thanks, my brother taught me. We're trying to find him and his friend."

"I'm so sorry," the American teenager said as he glanced down at the bite mark on her harm. "I'm hoping to find my brother too." To his surprise, the girl laughed and wiped away the blood.

"Oh, don't worry about that. That's just raspberry jam."

"But why pretend that you were bit?"

"They ask unsuspecting rubes for their guns and then, once their victims are unarmed, steal everything they own," England interjected, glaring at the two women.

Liz glared back. "I'm just taking from them before they can take from us. And I promise you, they wouldn't stop at taking food and guns."

"Guys, please, no more fighting," America said, stepping between them. "The real enemies are out there, and they want to eat our brains." England and Elizaveta eyed each other warily, but nodded and warily put away their guns. Liz shrugged with equanimity. There would be other marks, she decided. Easier marks.

"I can't imagine why they'd want _your_ brains," England groused, his expression the long-suffering look of a man forced to put up with a clueless, oblivious, overly trusting American teenager. But the words had no real bite and he couldn't hide the slight fondness in his eyes.

Elizaveta grinned at America. "You know, kid, I think there's someone in _here_ who wants to eat you, but probably not your brains." She resisted the urge to pinch the teenager's cheeks as he just blinked in confusion. Instead she grabbed his wrist and pulled him closer. "Come with me just a second, there's something I need to give you."

"Absolutely not," England protested. "Rule number one, America!"

America glanced between them. He gave England an apologetic smile and followed Liz to the door. "I think this is important. Sorry, I'll be back."

"Don't be an idiot!" England called, giving Liz one last glare.

She smiled and winked. "Relax. You have my sister as a hostage. We'll be back in a tic." Carefully stepping over the zombies' bodies, she led the American teenager to the pharmacy section of the store. As she had hoped, there were still a few packages of condom and lube. It seemed that safe sex wasn't the top priority of survivors after the zombie apocalypse. While America blushed furiously, Liz checked the expiration dates. She picked an unexpired box of condoms and a bottle of lube and stashed them into the knapsack on America's back.

"Uh, I'm sorry, you're really pretty, but you're n-not my type," he stuttered.

She grinned. "Oh, I can see _that_. Your type is a bit more grouchy and masculine. I just want you two to be prepared, and I thought that your friend would reject my attempt to be helpful. I know _his_ type too and he's going to keep denying everything until he starts kissing you."

America gulped, his cheeks burning bright as he stared at the floor. "Do you really think so?" he asked in a nervous whisper.

"Trust me," she patted him on the shoulder and smiled. "You were searching for twinkies earlier, right?"

He sighed. "Yeah, they're kind of hard to find." Everyone knew that twinkies were a compact, high-calorie food source that lasted nearly forever, so they were always the first foods scavenged at any grocery store.

She leaned closer and whispered into his ear, "Look on the bright side. You can have something delicious and cream-filled whenever you want." With a warm chuckle, she spun on her heels and returned to the back room.

England gave them a suspicious look as they returned, but Elizaveta noticed the spark of relief in his eyes as soon as America entered his view. "We should be going," he said gruffly, lifting up the bags of non-food supplies the two men had scavenged from the picked-over store.

America nodded and took his share of the bags. He gave the two women a smile and a wave. "Take care!" he called. "And good luck finding your brother."

Liz waited until they were nearly out of the store before she shouted, "England! You'd better get a taste for yourself before the zombies beat you to it!" She grinned, thoroughly enjoying the way they hastily looked away from each other and blushed. Matchmaking had been her favorite hobby before the zombie virus struck, and it was nice to have a chance to try to bring people together, even in a world filled with brain-eating monstrosities. She liked to enjoy the simple pleasures in life.

"Should we follow them and plan an ambush?" Lili asked sweetly as soon as England and America were completely out of earshot. The girl reached for her rifle and gave Liz a questioning look.

Elizaveta shook her head and smiled. "No, not these two. They were helpful, and I'd hate for the kid to get killed before he finally eats his twinkie."

* * *

**Author's Notes**

Sometimes you spend your whole life looking for a (literal) twinkie, and it turns out that a (figurative) twinkie was right there for you all along!

I'm just going to let this sit here as a oneshot for now, but I might continue it later.


End file.
